The Case Against UGG Boots, The Sexy Footwear Wannabe

UGLY purple UGG boots

UGG boots may be coveted by many, but to me, they’re a sexy footwear wannabe. This big boot is a glorified slipper backed by clever branding, desired by ladies who fall for the sheepskin hype.

Normally I’m a very understanding person when it comes to all things quirky and different. I root for the underdog, take a liking to unexpected pairings and often talk about the importance of exploring our creative sides. I mean, my favorite Disney movie is “The Fox and The Hound,” I think it’s OK to wear patent leather shoes with a patent leather purse, and I love any story where the good guy sticks to his passions and makes it big in a world of greed.

So you’d think I’d be all about supporting cheap UGGs, defending those “UGG stands for ugly” jokes. But nope. I’m right there in line agreeing with that statement. My heart goes cold and my eyes narrow when it comes to these boots.

5 Reasons I Hate UGG Boots

1. UGGs are brand mutts (in that they’re trying to hard to be a bit of everything).

Fluff mini quilted leopard ugg boot
Fluff Mini Quilted Leopard, $180, Ugg

What is it? A boot? A boot wearing a neck scarf?

The UGG boot reminds me of insecure people who change their personalities depending on the company they’re around. People do this in hopes that others will feel more comfortable and like them more. In UGG’s case, it’s likely the work of an advertising agency.

Trust me. I worked on Madison Avenue in another life. I’ve done the focus groups and participated in the “what do they want” creative sessions. The changing needs (ahem “perceived” changing needs) of the marketplace say ladies should step out in “new and improved” UGGs. Or, “we can reach a broader section of the market if we offer a sandal…” And so UGG boots with wedges, studded UGGs, ankle-high ones and really tall ones were born. 

There are UGGs for brides, UGGs that sparkle and UGGs that look like cottage cheese is flowing over their top half (aka muffin top UGGs). It seems that in the attempt to be everything to everyone, UGG has lost the essence of what made the brand so successful.

2. Nasty gals wear UGGs.

Furry Ugg boots
Classic Mini Mongolian Boot, $250, Ugg

Shawty had those Apple Bottom jeans / boots with the fur…

Remember T Pain’s Apple Bottom Jeans? You’re singing it in your head right now, “Shawty had those Apple Bottom jeans / Boots with the fur / The whole club was looking at her…” Granted, T Pain doesn’t specifically say “UGGs,” and there are other boots with fur, but, hey, it seems to fit, right?

Lots of UGGs have furry, Sasquatch-like qualities. And this style can be popular with women who are maybe not church-going librarians. Call it a crazy correlation in my mind thanks to this song and observations in the mall, but a lot of UGG styles don’t rank high in the elegance department.

3. UGGs aren’t sexy.

The UGG is not nearly as sexy as a tall fall boot over slim-fit denims or even cowboy boots paired with shorts. They’re squishy, mushy, outfit afterthoughts. Settling into a beer koozie with bows, um, I mean UGGs, is a fine way to destroy an otherwise pulled-together style.

4. They need lots of cover-up to look better.

You know when you get a pimple and try to cover it up with oodles of concealer — and of course it just ends up looking so much worse? It’s like UGGs can’t just step out as they are, in confidence. Nope. Along the way, they felt the need to add more to look better. 

And that brings us UGGs bedazzled with bling, bows and sparkles. Or, you might call them silly, accessorized UGGs. It’s just odd to take a style that’s so blocky and basic and try to make it cute by putting stuff on it.

5. Sales that are scarier than the boots themselves.

At $250 or more for some UGGS, the real deal isn’t what the fashionista on a budget wants. And so many, many women are on the hunt for UGG sales. When a reliable store marks down the price, fine. But unfortunately, many places that discount UGGs are on the shady side. Think outdoor flea markets that have aisles upon aisles of them.

These thugs selling UGGs are peddling fakes, which means ladies aren’t getting the real deal. And even though I don’t love UGGs (clearly!), I’d say if you want ’em, you should at least have authentic ones. So steer clear of the flea market sellers and buy them at a discount at 6pm or even Sam’s Club.

So ladies, tell me why you hate UGGS in the comments. Or if you think I’m off base, let me know that too!