The Case Against UGG Boots, The Sexy Footwear Wannabe

UGG boots may be coveted by many, but to me, they’re a sexy footwear wannabe, a glorified slipper backed by clever branding, desired by ladies who fall for the sheepskin hype.

Normally I’m a very understanding person when it comes to all things quirky and different.  I root for the underdog, take a liking to unexpected pairings and often talk about the importance of exploring our creative sides.  I mean, my favorite Disney movie is The Fox and The Hound, I think it’s okay to wear patent leather shoes with a patent leather purse, and I love any story where the good guy sticks to his passions and makes it big in a world of greed.

So you’d think I’d be all about supporting cheap UGGs, defending those “UGGS stand for ‘ugly’” jokes.  But nope.  I’m right there in line agreeing with that statement.  My heart goes cold and my eyes narrow when it comes to UGGS.

My Case Against Brand Mutts, er, UGG Boots

They’re Brand Mutts (AKA: Trying too Hard to Be A Little of Everything)

Is that mold flowing over your UGG boots?

What is it?  A boot?  A boot wearing a wig from colonial times? An animal?

They remind me of insecure people who change their personalities depending on the company they’re around.  For people, it’s about the company of friends and family.  In UGGS’ case, it’s likely their advertising companies.  Trust me.  I worked on Madison Avenue in another life.  Done the focus groups, participated in the “what do they want” creative sessions.   The changing needs (ahem “perceived” changing needs) of the marketplace say ladies should step out in “new and improved” UGGS.  And so UGGS with wedges, studded UGGS, ankle-high ones and really tall ones were born.  There are UGGS for brides, UGGS that sparkle and UGGS that look like cottage cheese is flowing over their top half (muffin top UGGS).   They lost the true essence of what they started out as, trying to be everything to everyone.

Nasty gals wear UGG Boots

Nasty gal shoes: She wore those apple bottom jeans and those boots with the fur . . . ahem.

Nasty gal shoes:  She wore those apple bottom jeans and those boots with the fur.

By this I mean certain women who wear apple bottom jeans and those boots with the fur.   Remember the “apple bottom jeans” song from a few years ago?  In it, he sings about Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans] / Boots with the fur [With the fur] The whole club was lookin at her . . . Granted, he’s not specifically stating “UGGS” and I know there are other boots that have the “fur” he’s likely referring to, but hey, this is close enough.  Lots of UGGS have furry, Sasquatch-like qualities and I’ve seen some ladies wearing them that didn’t exude, well, let’s just say they didn’t act or look like church-going librarians.  Call it a crazy correlation in my mind thanks to this song and  observations in the mall, but a lot of UGGS don’t rank high in the elegance department.

They’re not Sexy 

Squishy and so NOT sexy.

Squishy and so NOT sexy.

Sorry ladies.  Wearing UGGS does not impart the same sexiness as a tall fall boot over nicely-fit denims or country boots paired with shorts in the summer.  They’re squishy, mushy, outfit afterthoughts.  Settling into a beer koozie with bows, um, I mean UGGS, is a fine way to destroy an otherwise pulled-together style.

They Need Lots of Cover-up to look Better 

Sorry, the cute bows can't fool me.

Sorry, the cute bows can’t fool me.

You know when you get a pimple and think covering it up with oodles of concealer will make the situation better (wrong thing to do by the way, but I digress)?  It’s like UGGS can’t just step out as they are, in confidence.  Nope.  Along the way, they felt the need to add more to look better.  So now, many UGGS are bedazzled with bling and bows, sparkles and a spectrum of shades.  Accessorized UGGS.  Isn’t the attempt to cuten up UGGS an admission of their homeliness in the first place?  Either way, it just seems silly to me.

Sales that are Scarier than the Boots Themselves 

One part country, one part UGG, no part sexy.

One part country, one part UGG, no part sexy.

At $250 or more for some UGGS, the real deal isn’t what the fashionista on a budget wants.  When the sales hit from a reliable store, that’s fine.  But unfortunately, many places that sell super cheap Uggs (think outdoor flea markets that have aisles upon aisles of them) are not on the up and up in the marketplace.  Seriously, there are a lot of weird trade and labor things going on (including items made with harmful chemicals all in the name of mass creation and selling for under $10).  But the bottom line is such places are supporting a bad thing (ha, thugs selling UGGS) not to mention ladies aren’t getting the real deal, no matter what the box and labels say.  If you must have your princess-turned-lazy huntsman boot fix, be ok with shelling out extra dough or at least buy ‘em on sale from a reputable place.

Cute and sexy, sans UGG boots.

Cute and sexy, sans UGG boots.

So ladies, tell me why you don’t dig UGGS in the comments section below.  Or if you think I’m off base, let me know why you’re wild about them.