10. In State-of-Union address, president thanks you for spurring economic growth
  9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy’s
  8. You’ve dropped, but yet you continue to shop
  7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops
  6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there’s a store called “Gap for Sally Johnson” 
  5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar mittens
  4. You can’t get your car out of the Stuckey’s parking lot because you’ve got 3,300        
      pounds of pecan logs in the trunk
  3. You’ve even purchased some of that Zima crap
  2. You’re in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask “How much for the big
      hat?” 

And

  1. You’ve nailed both Sears and Roebuck