Plumber’s crack is not sexy—whether it be on a 300 lb. man or a 100 lb. woman. So why is everyone rushing out to buy a pair of low-rise jeans? Yes J.Lo wears them (they are, like, taped to her butt) but that doesn’t mean that Susie Q, a 35-year-old mother of three in Peoria, should wear them too. It seems that the fashion world needs a little structure when it comes to low-rise.

So, here are my rules for wearing low-rise pants:

1. Fat hanging over the waist band of your pants is not sexy.
2. Your thong is not a fashion accessory.
3. Your pants should always cover your butt crack.
4. If you can’t breathe, don’t wear the pants.
5. Crop tops and low-rise pants only work if you are Britney Spears.